Sunday, August 1, 2010

Diary of a Scribe Day 31

It's technically August 1st...Holy crap. It's August ALREADY?

Didn't get a darn thing done. I couldn't sleep the night before. I was up until after 6am. The sun was already pretty high when I made myself lie down in my bed... But I was wide awake all night. Not even a yawn while I was getting my Joshua Jackson fix during the first season of Fringe.

I wasn't the only one up all night. One of my friends, just a couple years older than me, and a bunch of her Facebook buddies were still up too. At first I thought it might have something to do with the Lunar Cycle, and the Full Moon that we had about a week ago, or even Jupiter in retrograde.


Hot flashes, insomnia and irritability. I am thirty three freaking years old. And I am going through early onset of menopause. Even as I type this at ten minutes until three in the morning with the a/c on, I am sweating.

I've seen this. I watched this happen to my mother when I was a kid. But she was in her 40s. I am the same age as she was when she was pregnant with me.

It's too early. I am terrified. I don't like change, and this is "THE Change." I just got over being hateful and mean for the better part of a decade and now I'm about to experience some ridiculous hormonal changes. Now that things are normal. Fantastic.

This also means my child bearing years are almost over. Sure, my luck could change and I could be a first time mom in my 40s, but I just don't see that happening. My mother was already too old when I was born, therefore no fun.

I asked for a tubal ligation for my 13th birthday. I had about 10 nieces and nephews living with or next door to me at that point, and guess who was the babysitter? So it's no wonder I wanted nothing to do with kids.

But then a few years ago my uterus starting talking. And wanting. And yearning.

There would be no way that I would be down for In Vitro or Artificial Insemination or any way but natural.

And therein lies the problem. No man, no sex, no baby. First off, I don't want a man. I want nothing to do with them. I've tortured myself for too long about finding that missing part of me. Whatever. I found that long ago and he decided to maintain radio silence. Well, whatever. I realized not too long ago that love and relationships and things of that nature aren't for me.

Don't scoff. Don't laugh. I'm deadly serious. Sure, it would be nice to have some companionship, or someone to catch mice...I COULD get a cat, but cats hate me... but I refuse to change for anyone. I am who I am, as everyone has told me for years. And the only way I could ever be in a relationship with anyone is to change. And I'm not going to.

Everyone always said that I needed to be ok with myself before anyone else would be ok with me.


I am so ok with myself that I am my own circle of friends. I go to all my movies alone, I have insomnia alone. I am the one who buys Chicken Noodle soup and Ginger Ale when I'm sick. I take care of myself. I have enough going on without adding another layer of crap to it. I had my chance in my 20s and now that chance is over.

I wasn't put on this Earth to be a half of a whole. I was put on this Earth to be whatever it is I am or am becoming.

That doesn't help me be less pissed off about these hot flashes though.

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